12 months

Note: This post could be potentially triggering if you have suffered a bereavement.

Back in September, we featured a blog by Mark titled “Losing my little brother”. Too often we think of grief as if it has a timeline or is a single thing on the to-do list. As those who have lost someone know, this isn’t the case. In this blog, Mark shares his thoughts 12 months on.

In the blink of an eye 12 months has passed since my little brother left us. I remember sitting in the hospital with him listening to the bleeps of the machines keeping him alive. I sat there thinking how fragile life is. We do not know what tomorrow brings. I promised myself that I would achieve the things I wanted to do in life.

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In a flash a year later, I have done none of the things I so wanted to do. Is it my grief, is it the not letting go, is it the not moving forward that’s put a barrier in my way? I don`t know. I still say to myself did I really lose my brother, my best friend? Is it all a nightmare that is never going to end? Each day I say to myself I must give up smoking, I must begin to exercise more, I must be happy. Then I question if I’m putting too much pressure on myself to achieve again. I don’t sleep very well now and I sit awake listening to the clock ticking the seconds away knowing that they are seconds I can never have back. Each day that passes and nothing is achieved is a day lost and wasted.

It feels as though there are no answers to the questions I ask of myself or will things just happen. I hear of the superhuman efforts of others accomplishing things in their lives and think why can’t I be like those doers. Is it not meant to be? These feelings I know have been brought on by the loss of my brother as the shock is still there.

I write for comfort and it’s my way of dealing with it all. It helps me instead of talking. I have been through tough times in the past, which may or may not have been my own doing, but I have come through them so I know I can get through this. Nothing will change, the void my brother left will always be there.  I will move forward and keep my brother close to my heart with the memories we shared. I will do the things that I set out to do and forget the things I can’t. I will follow my path and accept my destiny.

As for now I will take each day as it comes. I have always enjoyed the seasons but this year I have appreciated them more. The rain doesn’t get me down. Being outdoors is my salvation because it gives me time to think, even reflect on life. I get great joy when I think of my brother and the things we did growing up even if they were a little on the naughty side. Loss is powerful and opens up many emotions which can be new or just deeper. It’s what we do with them and how we work with them that turns our life around. Don’t get me wrong I think of my brother every day, sometimes with sadness, mostly with a smile--because at the end of day, I was lucky to have had 45 years of his love and friendship. For which I am very grateful.